Laughing Matter

“You’re not strong enough for this. You’re weak and tired. You’re ugly. You’re face looks funny. You’re hair isn’t pretty enough. You’re clothes are too big.”

Of course your clothes are too big. Have you seen yourself lately?

My chest tightened as I walked into work with coffee in my hand and lack of rest written on my face. I want more than anything to be strong enough to stop taking medication. I want to be strong enough to be able to handle my life the way I need to. It’s often a question that is imposed upon me by others about how it looks like I don’t need them. If only they knew what I do in the mornings or the thoughts that go through my mind.

It’s become a joke to most that I can hide what I have to deal with. Some days I just can’t even fake a smile. I need rest. I need to get away from people. People drive me crazy! Just because I wait tables for a living to get me through a temporary season of my life does not imply that I like people. If my cat could come with me anywhere, he’d be here!

I couldn’t breathe this morning. I became so tangled in the things hat were overwhelming me. My sister is sick and I’ve had to work her shifts. I have to keep a smile on my face because that’s my job. I have to be nice to people. I have to do this. I have to do that.

I’m sorry, I am not the superwoman people think I am. I’m hanging on by a thread because I am so tired. No amount of coffee is going to help me survive this night shift I’m about to endure. I feel empty today. I look at my life and it’s a mess.

It’s a joke. I don’t have a goal. I don’t have the degree that I want under my belt. I don’t have the family I thought I would have. I don’t have my anxiety or depression under control as much as I want it to be. “The only way to get through life is to laugh,” my friends tell me. If only it were that easy. “Just put on a smile and be happy,” because that’s how it’s done. That’s the laughing matter of all this. Unless someone has truly been through the desperation and the need for help to survive the monsters inside your mind, then they have no idea what’s really going on.

the jokes are ridiculous. keep your comments to yourself.

 

Stop

Stop feeling that way. Stop thinking that. Stop breathing so hard. Stop looking in the mirror. STOP.

Why do people think that anxiety is so easy just to stop? It’s not something that is just turned on and off. There are triggers, yes. But why can’t people understand it like I do? Why is there a mute button on people when they learn that I have anxiety and I battle depression? It’s like it’s a disease.

I didn’t ask to be like this. It’s a blessing and a curse. I deal with this so I can help people who also face this. My world has been spinning and there is nothing I can do about it. My heart has been crushed this week. It’s been a heavy weight. My hands went numb today, and I found my chest tighten while my lungs grasped for air.

It’s easy to put on makeup and pretend that everything is okay. It’s an accomplishment to even fix my hair in the mornings. I lose myself so much sometimes when all this happens. I’ve been told that I’m back to my normal self, but what is that exactly? I’m more “confident.” That’s what I have been told lately. I feel stuck.

And somehow, I’m supposed to make all this stop.

Expectations

“Set the bar high.” I often get told that when I begin something new, or I want to try something. Make more of yourself.

I have it in my head that I have to be this or I have to be that. Really, I just have to be me. Everyday is just another day for me. There is nothing in particular that always appeals to me. I wake up and I think, “how will I make it to the end of today?” Jesus has been my best friend for a month now, and I wish I would have made him my friend a long time ago.

I’m the oldest, and that alone places an expectation on me to be a role model, a leader. Let’s just be honest, there has been only leading from a broken path. It is expected of me to be able to do my job with no question which I understand, but I am also human and I make mistakes. It is expected of me that I remember how to act like an adult, but still be able to be twenty. There is so much contradiction at this age. What if I am not healed from the attacks that come my way? What if I can’t always just get up? Is it still expected of me to get up and make it? Absolutely. Does it make it easy? Hell no. There are times that I want to scream, but I can’t because it is expected of me to hold myself together and keep my thoughts to myself. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have become so comfortable with talking to people about this because it is something I battle daily. I can only imagine what it is like for them on the other end. I want to know deeply how anxiety effects others.

What I expect from myself is greater than any other expectation placed on me from someone else. I tell myself that I have to get this done. I have to find my husband before a certain age. I have to have kids before I’m thirty. I have to finish my masters. I have to, I have to, I have to. The list goes on and on. Who cares? Really, who cares? Sometimes I’m broken, and it is still expected of me to lead a life that reflects Christ. People often judge Christians because they forget that Christians are human, too. No one is perfect. No person, no thing is perfect except Christ himself. Without him we are all lost.

Drop the expectations.

Live like Christ. Love like Christ.

Enjoy the Twenty-Somethings

It takes time to be ok with being ok. After being so down for so long, I don’t know how to enjoy being ok. It’s a weird feeling, and it’s somewhat uncomfortable.

There’s freedom that I haven’t known for a long time. Sometimes it’s troublesome because I’m not comfortable. God is taking me out of my comfort zone. He’s brought me out of troubled waters and placed me in a meadow of fresh green grass that allows me to keep growing in Him.

I can’t explain what it’s like to be ok. It’s scary. It’s foreign. There are days where I want to run back to what’s comfortable, but I can’t do that. God has brought me too far. He’s shown me there is more coming that is greater than I could ever imagine. To run backwards is to not trust him. “Don’t allow yourself to fall into a dark place,” a friend said to me. Every time I feel myself slipping those are the words I hear.

I have prayed for God to give me strong women in Christ that I can go to for help, guidance. I have been surrounded by love. There is pain in letting go, but there is more freedom than I thought was ever imaginable. To let go is to be free. I’m not just talking about being bound down and in a dark place. I’m talking about enjoying life while I’m single. Travel the world, go from coast to coast, meet new people but most importantly, fall more in love with God everyday.

Enjoy the twenty-something life. You only get it for nine years!

The Real Deal

“What kind of man is it you think you want?” she asked me and I just looked at her in a confused look.

She continued, ” I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want someone who was controlling. Someone like my ex-husband.” I can vouch for that. I don’t want someone like that either.

I want someone who loves Christ more than anything. I want someone who is real, who isn’t afraid to show me all of their flaws. I crave someone with a soft heart, full of emotion; understanding. I pray for someone with ears that actually listen, not just hear. There are a list of things that I could name – tall, funny, kind – but nothing will compare to when I find that man that loves Christ with all his heart.

Waiting isn’t going to be easy, but it will be worth it. God is capable of great things. My heart may hurt now because I’m choosing to be obedient, but there will come a day when I don’t have any more pain. There will be joy, pure joy.

While I work on me, and all my insecurities, I pray my husband finds hope and love in Christ. I pray that God will reveal himself in both of our lives. I’ll fix my eyes back to where they were supposed to be. I may wait 10 years before I get married, or longer, but Jesus has my soulmate handpicked. I choose to wait patiently even if it hurts.

Accepting is a choice. I accept the challenge before me, and I am praying that my husband loves Christ more than anything. Without Christ, how can a relationship succeed? I pray we both continue to press into Jesus.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Accepting is a Choice

I have grown in my past couple years of “adulthood.” I’ve learned what boundaries are and how they affect people including me. I’ve tasted life on my own – loved it, but wasn’t ready. I’ve grown apart from people and grown closer to others.

But if one thing stands true, I will not beg for anyone’s friendship. I will never be perfect. I make mistakes. It has been brought to my attention that you don’t trust me. I understand. I left you in a time when you needed me. I needed me too. 

19 is a rough, but 19 and watching your best friend fight in the ER is more than anything I have ever imagined. My body couldn’t handle it. My body can’t handle much since my training ended. The vomiting in the bathroom at work returned, and sometimes it still happens. 

Come talk to me. I have open arms, open mind. I can see from your point of view. Please try to see from mine. 

I began a new relationship and you became last on my priorities. I figured we had grown apart and our lives have began to go in two different directions. Change hurts and relationships ending are not easy. I still love you just the same even if we don’t talk much anymore. I see you. I’m listening. But I’m not going to run and beg at your feet to talk to me. Texting isn’t going to suffice for me to tell you what I need to tell you. The ball is in your court. Do with it what you wish. I’ll still be here. 

Cliché of Life

We’ve all heard the cliché to take the road less traveled. It’s easier said than done. Allow me to be completely honest.

My relationship with Christ was mediocre. I knew he was there, but I didn’t know just how much he was there. I have found myself now single because Christ intervened, and my eyes were opened to what I was getting myself into. Where was I headed? I don’t even want to know. I am now moving forward pressing into Jesus more than I ever have before.

Even though I didn’t want to listen to those who were giving me advice about things I have noticed, I am glad I did. I had to think about my future and my future children. I don’t want my kids to have the life I had as a child. I want them to be fully aware that they are constantly loved and are the most important things going on in my life.

My heart longs for a man who loves Jesus more than he will ever love me. I crave someone who will worship with me, pray with me and lead me in the right direction. I want so bad for my husband to be so wrapped in Jesus that it shows when people look at us. Jesus is my centerpiece, and he will be the center in the marriage that I enter into.

I’ve learned and am continuing to learn to give God complete control of my life daily. With the little things at work to the major things in life, God is in control of every situation. But, I am still human and forget that I am not able to control anything. I started a prayer journal because what greater friend to have than Jesus? He is my best friend right now. Though this circumstance is painful and I wish it didn’t have to end the way it did, I know Christ will work on both of us. If it is meant to be, God will allow it to be so.