Quack!

It takes a lot in me to let things roll off of me like water on a duck. For instance, critical comments attack my mind like nothing else. It’s a feeder to my anxiety. Sometimes I think people say critical and unnecessary comments just to irk me.

I didn’t think I’d be moving again…halfway across the country. But, here it is. “I’ll be able to handle this well. I will. I can do this. I have what it takes,” is what I think to myself. Meanwhile, my body disagrees. Last night I became shaky and sick to my stomach. I know what’s about to happen. I’m going to have a breakdown. I can feel it.

How is today, you ask?

I know it’s a bad day. I know this because even sending a text message is a trigger today. I think people will be annoyed with me or frustrated. I think that no one really cares even if they say they do. Making a phone call on these types of days is bravery. Will I be able to mask the underlying thoughts racing in my mind in my voice?

Just let it go, woman. Just let it go! Oh, if only it were that simple. I can’t quack my way out of an attack or breakdown. That is not how it works. I know how my body responds to these attacks – SLEEP. No duck in the history of ducks sleep more than I do! These bad days encourage me to keep going.

I shake on these days. I hesitate on these days. More than anything, I hate myself on these days. No amount of duck power can get me up and moving. I feel like I have to apologize for everything. I’m sorry for the text I sent earlier. I know you’re busy. These thoughts are what haunts me when I endure days like this. I’m sorry I can’t go out for lunch. I’m just too tired. It effects my daily life.

Don’t worry, when the breakdown comes I’ll apologize again because it’s not your problem.

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