Flashback 2015

Your career didn’t turn into what you thought it would. Your relationship with your boyfriend didn’t become the marriage you were hoping for. The place you thought you’d never leave, well, you’re leaving.

Everyone says, “Embrace change.” What the hell does that even mean? Change is not something I enjoy, but it’s a challenge that is placed before to make the best of it. Who cares about any of the crap listed above? No one, that’s who.

In the moments when I feel myself sinking that’s when I realize that change is occurring. No amount of medication can fix this pit that I get into. My sister leaves in three days to start her future. I couldn’t be more happy for her! There’s so much of her future that I remember about my past that I wish I could forget all about it. Lately, the memories have come back and I lose my train of thought, or I become so entangled with it that I can’t focus on what I need to be doing.

Maybe that sounds selfish, and I will not apologize for the haunting memories that make their way back into my mind and cause these panic attacks. If this is what embracing change means, then the people who like change can keep it to themselves. I’m giving up on this whole moving adventure thing.

I want to be like, “I’m not giving up! I’m moving onward!” Right now, I feel like I’m so small and there is no moving forward. I’m done.


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