Laughing Matter

“You’re not strong enough for this. You’re weak and tired. You’re ugly. You’re face looks funny. You’re hair isn’t pretty enough. You’re clothes are too big.”

Of course your clothes are too big. Have you seen yourself lately?

My chest tightened as I walked into work with coffee in my hand and lack of rest written on my face. I want more than anything to be strong enough to stop taking medication. I want to be strong enough to be able to handle my life the way I need to. It’s often a question that is imposed upon me by others about how it looks like I don’t need them. If only they knew what I do in the mornings or the thoughts that go through my mind.

It’s become a joke to most that I can hide what I have to deal with. Some days I just can’t even fake a smile. I need rest. I need to get away from people. People drive me crazy! Just because I wait tables for a living to get me through a temporary season of my life does not imply that I like people. If my cat could come with me anywhere, he’d be here!

I couldn’t breathe this morning. I became so tangled in the things hat were overwhelming me. My sister is sick and I’ve had to work her shifts. I have to keep a smile on my face because that’s my job. I have to be nice to people. I have to do this. I have to do that.

I’m sorry, I am not the superwoman people think I am. I’m hanging on by a thread because I am so tired. No amount of coffee is going to help me survive this night shift I’m about to endure. I feel empty today. I look at my life and it’s a mess.

It’s a joke. I don’t have a goal. I don’t have the degree that I want under my belt. I don’t have the family I thought I would have. I don’t have my anxiety or depression under control as much as I want it to be. “The only way to get through life is to laugh,” my friends tell me. If only it were that easy. “Just put on a smile and be happy,” because that’s how it’s done. That’s the laughing matter of all this. Unless someone has truly been through the desperation and the need for help to survive the monsters inside your mind, then they have no idea what’s really going on.

the jokes are ridiculous. keep your comments to yourself.



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