Expectations

“Set the bar high.” I often get told that when I begin something new, or I want to try something. Make more of yourself.

I have it in my head that I have to be this or I have to be that. Really, I just have to be me. Everyday is just another day for me. There is nothing in particular that always appeals to me. I wake up and I think, “how will I make it to the end of today?” Jesus has been my best friend for a month now, and I wish I would have made him my friend a long time ago.

I’m the oldest, and that alone places an expectation on me to be a role model, a leader. Let’s just be honest, there has been only leading from a broken path. It is expected of me to be able to do my job with no question which I understand, but I am also human and I make mistakes. It is expected of me that I remember how to act like an adult, but still be able to be twenty. There is so much contradiction at this age. What if I am not healed from the attacks that come my way? What if I can’t always just get up? Is it still expected of me to get up and make it? Absolutely. Does it make it easy? Hell no. There are times that I want to scream, but I can’t because it is expected of me to hold myself together and keep my thoughts to myself. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have become so comfortable with talking to people about this because it is something I battle daily. I can only imagine what it is like for them on the other end. I want to know deeply how anxiety effects others.

What I expect from myself is greater than any other expectation placed on me from someone else. I tell myself that I have to get this done. I have to find my husband before a certain age. I have to have kids before I’m thirty. I have to finish my masters. I have to, I have to, I have to. The list goes on and on. Who cares? Really, who cares? Sometimes I’m broken, and it is still expected of me to lead a life that reflects Christ. People often judge Christians because they forget that Christians are human, too. No one is perfect. No person, no thing is perfect except Christ himself. Without him we are all lost.

Drop the expectations.

Live like Christ. Love like Christ.

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