“Trapped” 

It happens. It happens when life becomes so overbearing that I can’t keep up. It’s like crawling through the mud except I don’t have knees to help me. 
When music surrounds my heart and my mind, I can find peace. I’m one step closer to coming home – that’s part of a song. I don’t remember who wrote it or the title, but it was powerful. 

My career path is being pulled in a different direction. I’m too stubborn to listen. It really is something I need to work on. General education classes it is until I figure out for sure what path I am supposed to take! 

Here I am. In a car. Somewhere in Ohio. Empty. It’s Christmas. It’s New Years. It’s a time to be happy. Let me tell you something – joy and happiness are 2 very different things. 

I’m overwhelmed. My introverted self is over this traveling and everything going on between my mom and I. Stress is a trigger. A huge part of what I deal with. So is being “trapped” in a house with 11 other people. One thing I cannot stand is not being able to have a way out and catch a breather. But, so be it. Nothing I can do to stop an attack. I’m anxious about having an anxiety attack. 

There’s nothing wrong with needing to be alone for a bit. There is something wrong with telling me what I should feel, or should experience, or be happy – there’s nothing to be unhappy about. I’m not unhappy. I’m also not happy. I’m lost somewhere in between. 

A friend of mine gave me a book for Christmas about serenity and peace of mind. “Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” I say over and over and over. So I wait patiently and maybe I’m not fully grasping the concept of what real peace is like because I have never felt peace the way I have grace. I wonder if it will just click? 

I want to become a woman of grace, forgiveness, peace. A strong woman of faith. And right now I could never feel so far away from that. I’m trapped. 

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