“Me” Time

“You’re taking this whole ‘me time’ too seriously,” she said. I can’t tell if she’s right or not. However, I can tell that I’m not really in a good place anymore, and maybe that’s why I enjoy being alone. But it’s really not my favorite thing.

I guess that’s the truth of the matter. I don’t mean to block anyone out. I don’t notice that I spend more time alone than I do with family or friends. I’m lonely. I’m guilty. I carry a weight that I can’t control, but she will never understand. I live with this.

Today, I didn’t really have to be anywhere. I didn’t feel like leaving the house. I mainly just wanted to stay home and rest. That’s when she said, “don’t have kids.” Apparently, I won’t be able to handle it. No one knows the future, and she can’t tell me how to live my life with my husband.

“Secluding yourself is what you’ve been doing since April.” Everything revolves around April with her. It does me too. I’m still not over it. Not sure I ever will be.

I’m not sorry I feel weak and tired. I’m also not sorry for anything that I need to do to help treat myself. “I’m surprised you moved back in.” So am I, and I’m starting to regret it. I didn’t really have a choice. It was either move back or be financially struggling.

To me, I’m not alone when there are other people home. I fail to understand what is meant when I am “locking myself in my room” doing things such as unpacking or working on my scrapbook. Me time happens when everyone is at work. I don’t always have to be conversing with someone because that alone is quite exhausting. Maybe I need someone to come to me.

But who gives a damn? It’s always my fault. You don’t do this, you don’t do that. I’m sorry that I am not the perfect child. I’m not sorry for what I deal with. “People already see [me] as mental,” she said out loud to my face. I don’t think she realized what she said, and it’s my fault I’m “secluding” myself. I’m trying to make things work, but I can’t do it on a one way street.

Me time. I wish I could show her what I do on a daily basis to show her how hard I run.

It would never matter because she fails to understand that I am different than her.

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