I Can’t Love Like This

I just want you to love me.

It’s not that easy. I can’t just love you on days like this.

I found myself last night clinging tightly to the love of my life. He needed me, and I was wrapped in a world of anxious thoughts and lacking concentration. Laying on my bed I heard him ask, “Are you okay?” What the hell is going on in my head? I’m absolutely not okay, but as I said “I’m fine,” he came in there and just laid beside me.

If this is loving while having anxiety, it’s brutal. I want so badly to love him with everything I have, but this is killing me inside. There has to be more than this. He’s the love of my life; the one I want to spend the rest of my life loving as if there is no tomorrow, and all I could do was lay there trying to breathe.

He is my world; my best friend.

Here it is (allow me to be brave for a moment): I’m afraid of telling him the thoughts in my head. I’m afraid that he will think I am absolutely crazy. He won’t understand that I live in a trap. I am surrounded by thousands of thoughts and I can’t find my way out. I get so irritated that he doesn’t understand. But all I want to do is love him. Love him with everything I have.

He has never left, nor do I think he will. He saves me every time. And then there’s me. The one who can’t breathe at night when the world is crashing down and he needs me to listen. Like really, can this just not happen?

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