Normally, I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t be around people. I would be at home waiting to leave again for my next class.
I’m not here, but I am. Let that sink in. The level of difference between you and I is you can probably enjoy your life like it’s cake. My life is cake, but only after I fight through getting up, throwing up, walking out my door and walking to class. Isn’t that strange? How two people can be completely different but be tolerate?
Extra shot of espresso please! (I’m not supposed to be drinking this right now, but after the morning I have endured… I earned this.) Let’s just be thankful. You and I are different, and that’s okay. Not one person is exactly like another. I sit in the corner of the coffee shop and wonder if there will ever be a time we can do this again. I can’t undo my mistakes, but I have never stopped loving you.
I’m alive today. I thought you of all people would have understood. But, here I am drinking this cup of coffee alone. It’s time to go. I packed up my things. I locked my heart and haven’t allowed anyone else in. I’m fearful of doing so because the good times always seem to end when I’m not ready to let go. I guess that happens when you live in a constant state of war. I thought you were here to stay. I thought you’d be at my wedding cheering us on, walking down the aisle. But, we’re over and it’s still hard to take in. I heard our song the other day. You know exactly which one I’m talking about.
Holding on is pulling me down, and I can’t risk that again. You are my inspiration for doing what I do, and I hope one day I will actually be able to tell you why I do what I do. I do this because I love you. I go to school so I can hopefully save a young child’s life from the amount of pain we’ve endured. I work in order to do so. The one thing I failed at was us.
I’m starting over. No regrets. No one stopping me.
Nothing feels better than to start again.