The Mom I Want to Be

To my future children,

I hope you read this with understanding and peace.

I’m writing this after a very stressful season with my mom. I’m not perfect. I’m human just like you believe it or not. I make mistakes and say things I shouldn’t, but I mean everything I say in this letter.

As a kid I didn’t know how to be a kid. I was an adult at the age of eight. Peter Pan was never around to take me to Neverland, and I’m thankful he wasn’t. Because I grew up quickly I learned a few things the hard way, but never looked back. When life throws you, find your cape and keep going. It will work out. I promise.

In seventh grade my life changed. I moved for the first time ever in my life. I didn’t know what was around the corner, nor did my mom. First day of school and I was in the minority. There’s peace found in every season even if you struggle to get through it. My dad was deployed in Korea, and I found myself wishing I could just have some friends who were never going to leave. True friends like that in my hometown where we all knew each other. I needed someone to talk to, and I didn’t have that. I used to think that being  the oldest was the hardest thing to do, and it was. I was always wanting to help my mom. I wanted so badly to see her happy while my dad was away. In turn I ended up hating my life because she wasn’t able to listen. I love my mom, but we’ve endured some rough seasons.

That very next year we moved again. Little did I know I would be attending three different high schools for my short four years. Junior year rolled around and I was in Europe. I hope by the time you are able to read this that I have taken you to Europe at least once. It’s beautiful. I found in my time of being there that my mom was going through an “appearance phase” in which we always had to look our best, or say the right things, or act a certain way. That was difficult to manage. She was so caught up with my dad being First Sergeant of the Year and for all of Europe that she didn’t realize what it did to us. They constantly argued, and pretending that life was good was difficult when everyone lived next to each other.

A few short years later I left for basic training. Obviously that didn’t work out since I am here taking care of you. You should know that just because some things don’t work out doesn’t mean that something else won’t come. There’s a plan for your life. There will be time to grieve, but there is time to search and grow. I will be there every step of the way. If you need tissues and chocolate just to make it through, then so be it. But please, never give up hope.

I bet you’re wondering where this is going. Believe me, so am I. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I want to be the mom who is loving. I want you to be able to come to me when you need a listening ear without a comment being made back. I’m here with understanding and arms open. I want to be able to pour grace out to you when you mess up or make a mistake you shouldn’t have. I want you to be able to wake me up at 3 a.m. when you can’t sleep, by all means crawl in the bed with me and I’ll hold you until you sleep. If you just can’t get out of bed in the morning, I promise, I understand. But, I will drag you out and make you do some jumping jacks while listening to some really uplifting music. If there is ever a time that you have an emotional breakdown, I’ll be right there and you won’t be alone. I hope you love blankets and pajamas as much as I do. We can drink tea and watch funny movies, and of course you will have a cat.

My point is, I never want you to feel alone. I don’t want you to grow up as an adult. I want to love you the way I couldn’t be loved. But remember, I am human too. I will make mistakes, and for those I ask for forgiveness.

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