185 Beats Per Minute

I was waiting on my first table for the night, when I felt my feet become numb. It’s their 29th wedding anniversary; I have to act engaged and excited for them (which I was, but I was rather worried more than anything). As I left to go make a salad the numbness went away. I thought to myself that maybe I was just standing in the same position for too long and there wasn’t enough blood flow.

Dropping the salad off, my hands began to tingle. Trying to not draw attention to the fact that I lost the feeling in my hands, I set the plates and salad bowl down quickly and hustled back to the kitchen. My face became pale, and my heart rate jumped quickly to 185 beats per minute. I was lightheaded and dizzy. The nausea was too much to handle. I wasn’t anxious about anything. I was calm as I could possibly be. The only thing I could think of was my medicine causing these side effects.

It dawned on me that I have been working everyday for a month straight. I had a really relaxing day with my sweet man, and I believe my body finally caught up with everything I have been doing and decided it was going to let me know that I have been doing too much.

I was losing it in my mind. The thought that something serious was about to happen to me was too much. My heart rate escalating that quickly while I’m doing nothing is what terrified me the most. As I called my mom frantically during my shift, she knew something was wrong. I told her what happened, and of course I get the most critical comment of “Did you only take what you were supposed to?” I have a past, but that is the past. I was told to get to a point where I could drive and come to her house.

It’s now 6 p.m.

I get to her house after I had changed into my pajamas and am welcomed with the words, “what is bothering you?” To be quite honest, I haven’t worried about anything in almost a week. Nothing was bothering me. I was wearing my body out. The conversation turned into ‘you have to learn to deal with the anxiety. you can’t depend on medicine,’ and I am not depending on it, nor was that a panic attack I just experienced.

The evening progresses, and I find myself zoning out and not being able to focus. There goes the homework that’s due by 8 a.m. Wednesday morning. Instead, I go to the store to get some fruit to take for my lunch tomorrow at my second job (which I am quitting).  Driving down the winding road, I found myself start to get lightheaded again. Now, it’s just a headache. It can’t be my blood sugar, and surely it’s not because I ate.

I believe I have the confirmation (a.k.a, “Why did you not listen to me?” -Love, God) of quitting one job and sticking to what God has planned in my life.

It’s time to begin with Him again. It’s time to be patient, and faithful.

If I am those things, surely I will not be almost passing out at work again.



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