The moment when you start fighting too hard is typically the moment when you no longer care.
Because of work, you’ve forgotten to take your medicine. Because of school, you don’t sleep. Because of all the stress, you are never hungry. Because you are alone, you’re scared about what could happen.
Listening to the music at practice didn’t help. Staying up doesn’t help. Feeling numb is something so overpowering that you are falling apart. You begin to think the thoughts you fought so hard to get rid of. The ones where the marks are permanent and the room is spinning. The ones that take your life away piece by piece and torment you even in your sleep.
What if you relapse? No one is here to catch you fall. It’s just you in this dark cold room. It’s a fear so great that you want to lose, but you don’t know how. It’s brokenness that is eating you alive. The emptiness is creeping in and those thoughts are getting comfortable.
You can’t give up.
If you relapse, what good was the fighting this long?