I spoke with a friend today about the many adventures of young adult life. This wise woman of four grown children said to me, “Are you even ready for a marriage?”
She didn’t allow me to respond, thankfully. In my mind I was thinking, “Well, no, but…,” I found myself listening the stories of her life and what she had been through. I’m not ready for a marriage; not even the relationship I am in. I found myself a few months ago sitting in the parking lot at work trying to ease the pain that I held inside. Today, I sit holding that pain like a baby because to this day I am still fighting.
There is so much baggage that I am bringing; he has the same. My emotional state is not mature. Mentally, I’m just getting through life. As I was speaking of the trials that are occurring in my life she said to me, “A man will not solve your problems.” The moment she said that is when I found my answer. My heart has been missing something, and it’s not the man in my life. It’s the man who should be in my life. As much as it hurts to do what is right, I know it is best. I need the one man who will be with me throughout everything, Jesus.
I need to work on myself and get my heart right. The pressure of being with someone while trying to do so is more than is imaginable. Working two jobs and going to school part time requires time spent a part; more time than what is normal. That is a good thing; a God thing. A man can not heal depression, anxiety or anything else I face. That’s what I need to work on.
She brought up the wedding that we have been talking about for quite some time now, and I thought to myself, “That stop just went straight up.” I’m not ready for commitment like that. If he is that’s great, and he can wait. She confirmed for me that I am not ready. If I’m not 110% ready, then what am I doing? The kids I want in the future are not going to be going back and forth on the weekends to spend time with mom or dad. Divorce isn’t an option, and there’s so much life ahead of me that there is so much I need to do for myself.
The Holy Spirit has moved me today in a way I have never felt before, and it’s time to stop pleasing everybody and do what needs to be done for me. The honesty that I heard today opened my eyes. In 20 years, where will I be? People say that it’s the young and in love ones that live happily ever after, but is it?
The sweet confirmation from that friend will not be wasted.