The Test

Do you ever feel so out of place? Well, I do. 

Tonight was like that. Allow me to start by saying that God is testing me in the area of kindness, forgiveness and grace. If I don’t have those three things, how can I love properly? And without love, what use am I? 

Working on my music tonight has shown me that I am guilty of not loving people like I should. Colossians 3:12-17 explains how to live a life for Christ and not for ourselves. I often think that I’m not good enough, I don’t have the talents, or I don’t fit in. Sometimes that is the case, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t love the right way.  

In the middle of the walkway at church stood my family. Of course I went to go to greet them and hug them and love them. But when I got there, I could feel the entire atmosphere change. It was almost like being held down by something that was so heavy I couldn’t breathe. I went from feeling light and free to weighed down and depressed. This wasn’t the typical depression that occurs in my life. It was a sudden change into sadness that I had never felt before. 

Was it something my mom said? Was it when she got onto me? The conversation about sticking up for myself replays in my head. After my first day on the new job, I was pretty darn proud of myself. Being thrown in and learning how to swim on your own is quite the hassle, but I managed. At this point I’m so excited, but when the shift ended and I called my mom to let her know how it went, everything changed. The conversation turned into a lecture. You know how sometimes you start to hear Charlie Brown’s teacher when you’re talking to someone? That’s what it was like…only I didn’t hold the phone up to my ear to listen to it. 

Where in the world is the love in that?! I do admit to not always being on my best behavior, but I am human. I’m not always going to be the best there is. But I need to love like Christ loves, give forgiveness and lather others in grace. God has been gracious to me, and I need to do the same to others. 

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