There is so much guilt that I have stored up. There is insecurity, depression, anxiety and isolation taking place. My music used to mean so much to me. I’ve lost my way.
I currently work with someone who goes to church with me. She doesn’t know anything about me, and she meets me in the middle of a storm. I don’t want to leave her thinking “how is she up there singing when she’s like this?” I am a mess. I am caught up in sin that I want out of.
Tonight I heard a song and just crumbled on the inside. Completely broken. I ask myself, “Why? Why do I keep falling into sin?” Human nature is kicking me in the rear end! I feel like a slave in this cycle. I just want out! Jason Castro’s Stay this Way is what is going on in my life.
I feel like muck in a pile of mud that’s still getting rained on with hail hitting me in the head and lightening surrounding me. I feel so hopeless. Confrontation is my worst enemy. How do I continue to do what’s best for me? I am shattered.
I’m not supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to live in a hell hole. That is not my calling. I need help. I need a listening ear free of judgement; free of lecture. I’m hard enough on myself. The guilt in my soul keeps picking at me.
I need God. Every Christian is a sinner. We’re still human. Even if we fall, we will rise.