Pounding 

You know the feeling you get when you jump up from your sleep after falling into a dark black hole? 

That’s what I feel like. 

It’s that rushing feeling that you know everything is not okay. It’s never been okay. 

I was born broken into a broken world. Chaos was always in my life. It’s never left. In all of the chaos, I forget that I am more than all I was born into. 

When I went to the hospital, I didn’t know what was going on. I don’t remember some stuff from that event. I do remember the conversation my mom and I had – it wasn’t a good one. As I explained to her why I wasn’t telling her anything, I was falling apart even more. The words she said peirced me deeper than anything. 

I feel guilty, hurt. The worst part of everything is anticipating my dad coming home. What will he say to me? Will he even want to see me? 

Abandonment is what I fear – obvious reasons of course. My biological dad left me. He left my mom. What worth is that? 

I’m sitting here reading through our messages of trying to get a new job, a beach trip, and many other things wishing that I could hear his voice. 

A pounding heart of anxiety rising currently exists. 

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