Love Sucks

Almost 6 months ago I walked into a relationship I wasn’t ready for. I was broken and damaged. Worthless is how I viewed myself. I have my mom to thank for this one special person she brought into my life. 

I was so down. My self esteem didn’t exist  and my thoughts were only of weakness. As I’m writing this, I’m admitting that I struggle to accept love and I struggle not being independent. 

There are many things that come with love, and listening is one of them. I love my sweet love and what he does for me. Listening is just one thing we need to work on. It’s frustrating when I just need someone to talk to, and he thinks he needs to fix it. I’m thankful he wants to take care of me, but I don’t need my problems to be fixed. 

I hurt him already. I put him in a place where trust was lost. Now every time I go somewhere or do something he always asks me why and what I am doing. I know he just wants to protect me. I love that he does, but relationships are hard work. He speaks of marriage in the future. Only 5 months in. I can see us together when we’re 70 drinking coffee on the front porch. I can see us having a family one day. But I struggle to see the wedding he wants to have in a short period of time. Working on these things are not easy. 

I should have never hurt him like I did. I was wrong for that. I love him. If God allows this to work, I am agreeing. 1 Corthians 13 – he is all of what this passage says love is. But am I? Am I patient? Kind? Selfless? The problem is with me and what’s going on inside my heart. 

Being young and in love is a wonderful thing, but being young and not knowing what you want is complicated and painful. I’m learning still. Love is one of those things that takes time; effort. 

I don’t want to lose the one special thing I have in my life. If love is all those things mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13, then I need to work on myself before I try to work on him. He doesn’t deserve for me to be impatient. He’s worth every ounce of loving. Nothing can stop a love that God has put together – even if one person wasn’t ready. He works all things for our good according to His will! 

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