I have a confession.

Those chilling words sure do place anxiety stampeding across my chest, but in the end it will be worth it.

In any situation you either let God do the work, or you think you can do the work and do it your way. Letting God do the work is challenging; mainly to those of us who are so independent and stubborn – well hard headed. But it’s not about who can do the work. It’s about who we trust to get us through it. Most of the time we think we can find a way to solve everything. Really? How’s that going for you?

It didn’t go so well for me. Obviously, since I’m writing this.

I thought — Whoa. Slow down. The “thought” is what got me into this mess. I’m a sinner just like every other Christian. We all have our faults. If we were to be made perfect, would there be a point to Earth? No, because in these trials we face we grow closer to God and we learn, sometimes the hard way, that there is no one greater than God.

It’s been over a month now since I have been out of the hospital. I still face anxiety and depression. Guess what? That is okay! I know it’s not going to disappear. The relations that were involved are the issue. I broke a lot of trust. My thoughts were that “no one cared, no one wanted to hear what I had to say, I am alone.” FALSE. We are not alone. Jesus never leaves us or forsakes us. Who am I to get on my knees and look up and say, “I am alone?”

The words I spoke had a lot of power. Exhibit A – I hated my life and wanted to just be done with it. I didn’t want to die. I wanted the pain to escape. With that I broke the trust between my parents, I drifted apart from the people involved, and I second guess that the man who says he wants to marry me actually doesn’t. In time all this will change.

I thought I could fix what was going on inside of me. I trusted God that He would pull me out, but as I starting sinking like the Titanic, I took my eyes off of the one who could save me, and onto the waves. It is an absolute battle to let this go, but it must be so. I am guilty of everything that has happenend. I owned up to this. No one did anything other than me. To think that God alone couldn’t help me where I was is wrong. He created me!

People often say that if you love something let it go. If it’s meant to be it will come back. I wonder if that’s true or if it’s a poetic saying. But what do I know? My thoughts got me into this mess.

I’ve let go of having little sayings thrown at me. I’ve let go of seeing those who were involved and wanting to cry, but I can’t. I’ve let go of hearing I’m not enough. My God is enough. I believe I went through this to develop trust in the one who ultimately loves me through anything!

To think that I could fix the relationships of the people involved was ignorant. That’s not my calling here on the earth. I’m here to experience life and in the future help those who deal with what I deal with. It’s a constant war to say, “Lord, here! Take it!” Now let me go on a run to expel the energy in me who wants to fix it. That is not place. Only the one who heals the broken has that power.

I’m broken. I’m weak. I’m worn out from trying. I think sometimes that this is never going to end. But today gave me hope. Being around the people I love and knowing that they love me; that’s hope. Even if you don’t speak, don’t see each other, don’t know what’s going on in their life, they’re always there.

It’s like playing checkers and you’re one of the pieces. Eventually, you get yourself trapped but in the end you’re always either a king or a queen. God helps you overcome what you think you cannot. Though I am steadily learning to let God have control of my mind and life all in one, I still have a hard time letting things go. But, He knows me better than anyone ever will.

So, here’s to God’s creations and taking a battle that has already been won!

Romans 8.

 

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