Just Cut

Do it. Just let it out. Get the blade. Run with it.

More scars can’t hurt. Go ahead.

STOP.

Don’t be an idiot. You’ve fought so hard. Your deepest hurt is in her words.

Stay alive. Don’t give up.

Do you really think cutting is going to help you right now? Do you remember what it felt like when you were done?

Nothing burned more than being in the shower. But it is so freeing. A brief second of freedom isn’t worth a scar. You’re more than a blade.

Just cut.

No one will know. No one will see. Keep to yourself. The blade knows everything. The more you stare at it, the more it knows.

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Quack!

It takes a lot in me to let things roll off of me like water on a duck. For instance, critical comments attack my mind like nothing else. It’s a feeder to my anxiety. Sometimes I think people say critical and unnecessary comments just to irk me.

I didn’t think I’d be moving again…halfway across the country. But, here it is. “I’ll be able to handle this well. I will. I can do this. I have what it takes,” is what I think to myself. Meanwhile, my body disagrees. Last night I became shaky and sick to my stomach. I know what’s about to happen. I’m going to have a breakdown. I can feel it.

How is today, you ask?

I know it’s a bad day. I know this because even sending a text message is a trigger today. I think people will be annoyed with me or frustrated. I think that no one really cares even if they say they do. Making a phone call on these types of days is bravery. Will I be able to mask the underlying thoughts racing in my mind in my voice?

Just let it go, woman. Just let it go! Oh, if only it were that simple. I can’t quack my way out of an attack or breakdown. That is not how it works. I know how my body responds to these attacks – SLEEP. No duck in the history of ducks sleep more than I do! These bad days encourage me to keep going.

I shake on these days. I hesitate on these days. More than anything, I hate myself on these days. No amount of duck power can get me up and moving. I feel like I have to apologize for everything. I’m sorry for the text I sent earlier. I know you’re busy. These thoughts are what haunts me when I endure days like this. I’m sorry I can’t go out for lunch. I’m just too tired. It effects my daily life.

Don’t worry, when the breakdown comes I’ll apologize again because it’s not your problem.

Happy 21st Birthday

They say that only the good things stick around. Such a shame you weren’t one.

It’s been 21 years that you missed. 21 years of complete growth into the woman I am today, and thank you for never being the father I needed you to be. Because you have missed out on so much, your other child didn’t have a sister like she wanted. You didn’t only hurt me, but you hurt her. That’s some real love you have there.

Happy 21st birthday. Funny how our birthdays are 3 days apart. Bet you didn’t know I knew that. I also know where you live and how to contact you. But because I’m trying to control this rage I hold deep inside, I haven’t made contact. Heartless is the man who loves one child and not the other.

I want to be okay with this, but I have never been able to handle people coming in and out of my life. You’re either in or you’re out. Maybe I’m being a tad petty, but forgive me, you had this coming a long time. One day when I brave enough to face the harsh truth of why you left me, I hope you’re prepared for some comments I’ve been keeping to myself.

I’ve made contact with your other child. In fact, we talk nearly every day. It’s not her fault her dad is a loser. Rather, it’s yours. You’re pathetic. Why did you never come back? Was I your worst mistake? I’m not an accident. I am here for a reason, and I hope that reason is to show you how well of a father you were for never coming around.

You see, I have a dad. He’s been a part of my life ever since I was 8. He has shown me what dad’s are supposed to do for their children. Because of you, he deserves all the credit. He’s the man who will be walking me down the aisle when I get married. He’s the one who saw me at my weakest moment and hasn’t given up on me.

You, you just left. I did nothing for you to give up on but simply exist.

Happy 21st birthday from the child you never loved.

Earthquake

No amount of words can explain what I feel.

Between joy and chaos I’m torn right down the middle.

I guess you could say  I’m sappy (both sad and happy).

The cave that’s in my chest hasn’t seen light in a couple of days.

I feel like an earthquake.

Just shaking and nonstop spinning.

I want to tell myself that I am okay, but I can’t.

My body disagrees with every step I take.

Being alone only makes it worse.

The tiredness that hangs under my eyes pulls me down even more – no energy.

“Just be happy,” you say.

“Smile,” they tell me.

Yeah, because there’s a switch for what’s happening in my body.

Flashback 2015

Your career didn’t turn into what you thought it would. Your relationship with your boyfriend didn’t become the marriage you were hoping for. The place you thought you’d never leave, well, you’re leaving.

Everyone says, “Embrace change.” What the hell does that even mean? Change is not something I enjoy, but it’s a challenge that is placed before to make the best of it. Who cares about any of the crap listed above? No one, that’s who.

In the moments when I feel myself sinking that’s when I realize that change is occurring. No amount of medication can fix this pit that I get into. My sister leaves in three days to start her future. I couldn’t be more happy for her! There’s so much of her future that I remember about my past that I wish I could forget all about it. Lately, the memories have come back and I lose my train of thought, or I become so entangled with it that I can’t focus on what I need to be doing.

Maybe that sounds selfish, and I will not apologize for the haunting memories that make their way back into my mind and cause these panic attacks. If this is what embracing change means, then the people who like change can keep it to themselves. I’m giving up on this whole moving adventure thing.

I want to be like, “I’m not giving up! I’m moving onward!” Right now, I feel like I’m so small and there is no moving forward. I’m done.

That Comfort Zone!

I’ve found lately that sometimes the scariest moments of life are when you are taken from your comfort zone. In my life right now there is so much change occurring that I can barely keep up. My sister leaves in 10 days. My brother is here for a short period. My family is moving in a few months. Somehow, I’m lost in this mix of what I need to be doing. All of the chaos of getting used to new things is overwhelming and exhausting.

I’ve had more panic attacks lately since all of this has occurred. At first I couldn’t put my finger on what was causing them, but now looking back I can see that I’m thinking that these people who are in my life are going on to do better things for their life, and that is good! My comfort zone is everyone staying close together and not leaving. That’s how it appears in my mind.

I was told recently that if I feel far away from God, then I have probably deterred somewhere other than to him. I can say that’s true. I like to be in control. I think that if things are in my control then nothing can be altered… oh, but Jesus showed me otherwise. All that leads to panic attacks and much anxiety. So what is to be said about just “taking over” my life and leaving Jesus out – sometimes the scariest moments are when you are taken out of your comfort zone and brought out into the unknown. No one has the power to control my life like Jesus does.

 

 

 

 

 

Modern Day Ruth

I found a picture the other day that listed some of the things a modern Ruth does and is.

In this picture the list says this:

She gets up

She prays

She sings

She sweats

She struggles

She tries

She gives

She comforts

She cries

She hopes

She dreams

She cries

She sleeps

She gets up

And does it all again…

I sent this to a friend the other day who I view as a modern day Ruth. I’ve always been fascinated with the book of Ruth. She lost someone she loved, her husband. Most of what I love is through all the trials and hardship she was still faithful to God, and she never gave up.

Ruth didn’t fear her future, but instead embraced it. She didn’t know that her future held Boaz, her prince charming. I don’t want to live in a constant state of anxiety about my future and the ‘what ifs.’ I want to be like Ruth and embrace it. I want to embrace the pain, the laughter, the tears, the smiles and everything it brings.

In my time of finding out that the man I decided to marry was not the man God has planned for me, I am finding that if Ruth could lose a man that she loved deeply and still find a guy as selfless and caring as Boaz, then there must be a Boaz out there for me, too. My heart’s desire is to chase after Christ as hard as I can. Without him, I’ll never find my perfect husband!

I desire to be like this woman. A woman of God. A woman who is passionate about Christ. A woman who loves without limits. A woman who is faithful. A woman who isn’t ashamed. A woman who is an example for other women. I want to be a modern day Ruth.